Answering Machine (at a Mental Hospital)

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline." 

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. 

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 
for you. 

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 
5, and 6. 

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you 
want. 

Stay on the line so we can trace your call. 

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be 
transferred to the mother ship. 

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small 
voice will tell you which number to press. 

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter 
which number you press, no one will answer. 

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. 

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with 
the pound key until a representative comes on the line. 

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, 
address, telephone number, date of birth, social 
security number, and your mother's maiden name. 

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder,
s-l-o-w-l-y & >c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0. 

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message 
after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. 
Please wait for the beep. 

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. 
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. 
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. 
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. 

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All 
operators are too busy to talk to you."